Film Reviews

2012

By • Nov 11th, 2009 •

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Terrible, with no story, a god-awful cast led by the cursed Amanda Peet, and stale dialogue. Cheesy CGI.

The Mayan Calendar Long Count ends December 21, 2012. Did the Mayan priests just run out of space or does it mean, as the Mayans intended, the End of the World?

Or, is the true Doomsday date October 28, 2011?

“They” better make up their minds! I’m planning an End of the World Party and I’ll need the right date for the invitations. Thanks to an email from www.Exopolitics.com, I found out that there is a usurper date – a pretender date if you will – to the December 21, 2012 “Doomsday” prediction. It’s October 28, 2011! Conspiracy theorists believe that this date is being intentionally kept from the public.

I’m expecting 2012 to be, as my Bhutanese Buddhist friends would say, “auspicious.” I’m looking forward to a mega-disaster. The Mayans were not stupid. They produced extremely accurate astronomical observations.

Scholars have known for decades that the 13-baktun cycle of the Mayan “Long Count” system of timekeeping was set to end precisely on a winter solstice on December 21st, 2012 A.D. (13.0.0.0.0 in the Long Count), representing an extremely close conjunction of the Winter Solstice Sun with the crossing point of the Galactic Equator (Equator of the Milky Way) and the Ecliptic (path of the Sun). This is an event that will come to resolution at exactly 11:11 am GMT.

NASA addressed the 2012 doomsday scenario as being ridiculous. NASA belittles the theory that a mysterious planet – Planet X (Nibiru) – will collide into Earth.

“2012”, from disaster maven Roland Emmerich, is terrible. There is no story, just clumsy pieces of other movies – even lonely grandpa on a cruise – draped around Earth crumbling.

“2012” centers on ordinary guy Jackson Curtis (John Cusack). He is an author but makes his living as a limo driver. He has 2 kids and an ex-wife, Kate (Amanda Peet). The kids really like Kate’s live-in boyfriend, Gordon (Thomas McCarthy). There is usually a good reason why people divorce and bust up the family. But we are not given a clue what happened between Jackson and Kate. Was Jackson a raving alcoholic? Was he cheating on Kate? Or was Kate a mean meth addict?

Taking the kids camping on his alternate weekend, Jackson stumbles into a restricted area where the military is staging some kind of top secret procedure. Jackson meets Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson), the resident forest nut with glazed eyes, wild hair, and bad teeth. He does have a map of the secret safe havens from Doomsday.

How is the President handling this disaster? Wimpy President Thomas Wilson (Danny Glover) is being advised by moral-minded geologist Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor). Everyone is upstaged by advisor Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt) who plans to save himself and VIPs only. He plans to re-populate Earth with rich people.

Even though Emmerich takes directing credit, the actors look like they are on their own. Cusack and Peet, two of the most non-charismatic stars working today, have absolutely no chemistry. They nullify each other.

As usual, Platt chews up the scenery. Thankfully, Emmerich, who wrote this mess, kept Platt away from fellow scene-stealer Zlatko Buric, who plays a brutish Russian oligarch. George Segal stops the movie cold and Thandie Newton wanders around doing next to nothing.

Add to the lousy characters the cringe-worthy dialogue. To top it off, I learned nothing about how to survive 2012.


Victoria Alexander lives in Las Vegas, Nevada and answers every email. You can contact Victoria directly at masauu@aol.com.

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